the book of accidents
januar 18, 2011 § Legg igjen en kommentar
GETTING OUT OF BED
A lot of boys and especially girls want to get out of bed in the morning or at least around twelve. They are safely tucked in under the blanket, but anyway. They throw the blanket aside and rise. They set their feet on the cold and harsh floor and are exposed to great danger immediately. If you are among those who come this far, remember: It’s very easy to stumble in the carpet, but you should not try to avoid it, there’s furniture. Rest for a moment if the blood is running wild inside. You may get dizzy and fall. If you do, you must not give up, but crawl. And don’t panic, you really need yourself at this point since your glasses are probably still at your bedside table, or more likely, forever hidden like yesterday and the day before. Try compensating with other senses to hit the door. Chances are you’ll only hit something that looks like a door between a rock and a hard place. If you are fairly sure you can’t make it to the bathroom at this point, you should crawl back into bed and not get up at all, but ask if you may have something to eat and drink from some fellow human being who made it to the kitchen this morning. If you are still determined to go on, go on, stupid. When, if ever, you reach the bathroom you must show all the care in the world. It may be slippery. If someone was there before you, you can be sure. And your hard time there will add to the hard time of the one who was, so enjoy the blissful thought of not being the one who is coming after yourself. You would be drowning. Stop enjoying. Now, take care to put the right things on to the right places of your body. Remember that there’s a distinction between clothes and creams, and even though they don’t warn you on boxes or on tags inside seams, creams before clothes. No! Don’t touch the soap. It will hurt your eyes and damage your skin. Take a look in the mirror. If you feel like you have seen the one looking back at you before, you may proceed. You don’t need to be convinced. Conviction is always a fraud and dangerous in itself. Take steps in the opposite direction of where you think you came in, it will usually be the right one, then call out and make the one in the kitchen call back at you, loud, walk at a snail’s pace towards that person’s voice while keeping in fingertip touch with the wall all the way. If you make it to the kitchen you need not worry about accidents related to getting out of bed anymore, but turn the page of your book of accidents to orange juice or coffee machines.